Lead Heart

Purdys NY
May 2007

I know you know me...and I see your disappointment in me.
I can almost hear the wings beating as time flies away with you.
Damn it I think . . . Let her go!
My heart falls like lead, and it feels like vertigo pulling me over an edge. I’ve been on the edge of a cliff that dropped more than 3000 feet and being there was less scary than this moment.

3:30am and you just wandered down the hall in the dark past my old room calling my name asking if I left you.
“No mom, I’m here lying down.”
“Oh...are you going?”

I didn’t need the lights on to see that the world was going to change.

“No”

“Where’s Jen?”
“She’s at home, because she has to go to work in the morning.”

“Oh...is she coming to get you?”
“No she can’t, she has to work. Why don’t you lay here next to me and we’ll sleep for a few more hours.”

“Ok....I have my pajamas on.”
“I know....Let’s just lie down. Let’s just close our eyes and I’ll hold your arm and put my hand on your cheek, so you can see I’m still here.”

“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to stay here with you for a while.”

“And then what?”
“I need to go to work in the morning then Luca will come for you at lunch time.”

“Can I come to work with you?”
I could hear in the sound of her voice that she was disappointed and upset.
“No, mom but Luca will see you at lunch and Dan will come by at dinner.”

“Oh. . .Where’s Jen?”

Seeing her forget over and over again, then not understand why someone needs to do the things they need to do must tear my dads heart out every morning. It must feel almost criminal. I would imagine it's something like the feeling a parent must get when they're leaving their baby with someone and they try to get out the door but the baby crys from behind them and says;

"Don't go! Don't leave me alone. Come back. Can I come with you? Stay here. I don't want you to go!"

Just the sound of the words, and the expression on their faces make you want to turn around and stay home forever, but work needs to be done, and bills need to be paid, so you force yourself to close the door and go. I just don't know how my dad can do it every morning, and every night when it crushes my brothers and I to see her so disappointed, and feel so lonely.

Why does this have to happen to people?

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stand when my lead heart and vertigo pull me down.


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The photo was taken in New Jersey around this period in time. My Team mate Cy Maramangalam (TCH-I & TCH-III) and I went down to speak at one of the Genesis Senior Centers. In the photo Cy is on the left, I'm in the back right next to Anjanette and my mom is in the middle of us all.